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Being Ghosted: Why It Happens and How to Cope

Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Verywell / Laura Porter

Why Do People Ghost?

  • How to Cope

What Does Ghosting Say About a Person?

Is ghosting emotional abuse.

Ghosting occurs when someone you are dating or getting to know disappears without a trace. This could happen at the very beginning of a relationship or in the middle of one, whether in person or online. Dealing with being ghosted is incredibly difficult—especially because you usually don't know the cause or know how to react.

The person suddenly quits all contact with you—they won’t respond to texts, emails, calls, or social media messages. The mental health effects of being on the receiving end of these actions can be very challenging.

Learn more about why people ghost and how to move forward if it happens to you or someone you know.

People ghost for a variety of reasons. Relationship experts and psychologists agree that people who ghost are avoiding an uncomfortable situation. This evasion, while perceived as a lack of regard, is often because they feel it’s the best way to handle their own distress or inability to clearly communicate .

Ghosters themselves admit they don’t want to hurt you or they don’t know what to do. Sometimes they don’t think discussing a situation was necessary or they became scared. Ghosting is a passive way to withdraw.

But some ghosters perceive that to disappear completely might actually be the easiest and best way to handle the situation for all. Others ghost because now that it’s common, it’s an almost justifiable way to exit a relationship nowadays.

In today’s dating culture, being ghosted and ghosting is common.

How to Cope When You've Been Ghosted

It's not always easy, and it often takes time, but there are things you can do to start to feel better even if you've been ghosted by someone in your life.

Rid Yourself of Blame

After someone disappears suddenly, it’s hard to not feel regret, embarrassment and shame. After all, you risked for the sake of growth and it backfired. While ghosting feels so personal, it’s not about you. It’s about them.

Because you usually can’t find a cause and there is no explanation furnished, you may blame yourself. You might want to put up walls so you don’t get hurt again in the future. Or you may tell your friends you will stop dating completely, using a cognitive distortion like all-or-nothing thinking .

Now is the time to regroup, be kind to yourself and take a break. You are not to blame for someone walking away without a peep. Nor is it your fault that the other person couldn’t maturely give you the truth.

Nix the Shame

Shame comes about sometimes when we are reminded of previous rejections. But is ghosting rejection?

Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW

Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection. It's painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn't just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years. Here's the catch: It's not necessarily about the betrayal but about our not having processed and integrated that early memory, and what it meant to us.

Resnick, whose trauma-informed books about recovery from the effects of narcissistic relationships have helped tens of thousands of readers, reassures those who were ghosted and bids them to take care.

“Understood this way, we can see why self-compassion is in order,” she says. “Being dropped and feeling unseen is always painful, and there is never shame or embarrassment in feeling what is real.”

Choose Self-Care

How do you move forward? You need self-compassion and self-care. Invest in time with friends and family who can support you. Also, you might indulge in activities that make you happy like taking a yoga class or returning to a hobby that you love. You can also try homeopathic treatments or acupuncture.

Elena Klimenko, MD, and Integrative Medicine Specialist sometimes uses a "broken heart" homeopathic treatment for a heartfelt loss . She says, “In traditional Chinese medicine like acupuncture, the heart meridian—which starts at the heart and runs to the armpits, then down each arm—is responsible for heartfelt matters and some deep emotions. Proper acupuncture treatment can also facilitate recovery and take the edge off the difficult feelings."

When you think of the ghoster, be sure to reframe your ideas about them and the relationship. After all, they violated the contract of what it takes to be in a mature, healthy relationship. That includes mutual respect, good communication and thoughtfulness. Therefore, this wasn’t the right person for you, anyway.

Build Resilience

David C. Leopold, MD DABFM, DABOIM, and Network Medical Director for Integrative Health and Medicine at Hackensack Meridian Health says, “When patients experience any emotional or mental health challenges, I focus on helping them build resilience and enhancing their self-compassion and self-care."

Dr. Leopold uses a comprehensive approach, including engaging in physical activity, prioritizing sleep, optimizing nutrition, cultivating meaning and purpose, and, reducing stress through practices like mindfulness and meditation.” 

Therefore, if you’re emotionally exhausted and stressed, where do you start in taking care of yourself? “Multiple studies clearly show that eating healthy improves mental health—reducing stress, anxiety and even depression. And any form of exercise, even just walking, is a potent natural anti-depressant,” says Leopold. 

If you’re ruminating too much, use an app to increase mindfulness or begin a meditation practice . Leopold suggests you don’t forget about finding meaning and purpose. “Studies show focusing on meaning and purpose increases oxytocin, our 'feel good' hormone, which increases feelings of connection and improves mood.” Overall, he advises that you take this time “as an opportunity to focus on you and enriching your resilience.”

Despite ghosting being normalized, it's more about the problem the ghoster is having than it is about you. Ghosting says a lot about the person in many different ways. For instance, it could say that they lacked the courage to do the right thing by explaining why they could no longer continue a relationship with you.

The person or people who ghosted you didn’t treat you with integrity, therefore, did not consider the implications of their actions. It could also signal that they may not care about their actions and are inconsiderate or unreliable.

Or, it could be none of the above. The ghoster may be dealing with a mental health or medical condition (of a loved one or their own) that is making it difficult for them to reach out at the current time.

Whatever the case may be, being ghosted is not a reflection on you or your worthiness. Nor should it render you powerless.

Ghosting is a form of silent treatment, which mental health professionals have described as emotional cruelty or even emotional abuse if done so intentionally. You feel powerless and silenced. You don't know to make sense of the experience or have an opportunity to express your feelings.

This cowardly act, unfortunately pretty normalized by our culture, can cause immense pain. As you have no clue about what happened, your mind first jumps to many possibilities. Was your new love interest injured in a car accident? Is their family okay? Maybe it’s just a crazy busy time at work and they will contact you again soon? 

You might feel a wave of different emotions: sadness, anger , loneliness , confusion. Mental health professionals find that no response is especially painful for people on an emotional level. You feel helpless and shunned without information that could guide your understanding.

Being ghosted might result in exhibiting a variety of negative emotions and questioning yourself. Don't play the blame and shame game. Hold your head up high, hold onto your dignity, and let them go. Someone better could be out there looking for you.

Practice self-care and build your resilience during this painful time. If you’re still struggling to cope after being ghosted by a romantic interest, a friend, or someone in the workplace, reach out to a doctor or a mental health professional for assistance.

Press Play for Advice On Dealing With Negative Emotions

Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how to stay mentally strong when you're dealing with negative emotions. Click below to listen now.

Follow Now : Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts

By Barbara Field Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.

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How to Respond to Ghosting

Last Updated: February 4, 2023 References

This article was co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD . Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships. There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 235,733 times.

Whether your romantic interest or friend is ignoring you, being ghosted always hurts. Don’t beat yourself up if your calls and texts start going unanswered. Try to stay calm, and avoid pleading for an explanation or sending angry messages. If an online dating match or casual acquaintance blew you off, don't sweat the small stuff. If someone closer intentionally ignores you, it can really hurt. Give yourself time to grieve.

Discovering You’ve Been Ghosted

Step 1 Stay calm.

  • Not knowing why they won’t respond is maddening, but it's better to cool off before saying something you'll regret or jumping to conclusions.

Step 2 Address the issue if you have an existing relationship.

  • Many people find ghosting acceptable in some circumstances. For example, if a match on a dating app starts ignoring your messages, your best bet is to brush it off and forget about it.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Ask for closure if it's important to you. Love and relationship psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz says: "If you went on one date and you don't talk to the person again, it's no big deal. They're basically saying, 'I'm not interested,' but they didn't have the courage to say it to your face. If you were dating for a month, though, you might send a text saying something like, 'Hey, I don't know what happened or why you're not talking to me anymore. I would really appreciate a conversation for some closure.'"

Step 3 Confirm that the person is intentionally ghosting you.

  • You could check their social media profile and see if they’re posting pictures or statuses. Keep in mind you shouldn’t obsess over their posts for hours. Just do a quick check.
  • If you both have a mutual friend, you could ask them if the person who’s ignoring you is okay.
  • If you think the person might be depressed or going through an emotional struggle, you could write them a message and say, “I haven’t heard from you in a while, and I hope you’re okay. I know you’re going through a tough time, and I’m here for you.”

Step 4 Accept the truth instead of getting trapped in denial.

  • As much as it hurts, do your best to stop making excuses for them or holding out hope that they’ll eventually respond.
  • If they do try to contact you in the future, use your best judgment. If they apologize and explain that they had a lot going on, they might not have had bad intentions.

Moving Past the Pain

Step 1 Give yourself permission to grieve.

  • Even if you just went on 1 date, it’s still okay to grieve. Getting rejected is tough under any circumstances, and bottling up your feelings won’t do you any good.

Step 2 Try not to take it personally.

  • Focus on the fact that you dodged a bullet. It's better to be ghosted after 1 or 2 dates than to waste weeks or months with someone that's not right for you. If a long-term friend or partner starts intentionally ignoring you for no reason, it might be a good thing that they're out of your life. [7] X Research source

Step 3 Vent to a friend or family member.

  • Call a loved one and say, “All of a sudden, Sam isn’t returning my calls or texts. I thought it was going well, but I’ve definitely been ghosted. Can we meet up for a coffee? I’m pretty bummed, and I could use a friend right now.”

Step 4 Maintain your mental and physical health.

  • Avoid skipping meals or loading up on sweets. Eat nutritious foods, such as fruits and veggies, healthy proteins (such as poultry or fish), whole grains, and low-fat dairy products.
  • Do your best to get 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night.
  • Exercise for at least 30 minutes each day. Outdoor exercise can be especially helpful, so go for brisk walks, jogs, or bike rides.

Step 5 Go on dates and meet new people.

  • Try taking a class or joining a club related to one of your interests. You could join a gardening club, sign up for an informal sports league, or take a cooking class.
  • Remind yourself that life is full of both joy and pain. You’ll face obstacles in the future, but refusing to put yourself out there is no way to live.

Learning from the Experience

Step 1 Look for ways to grow, but don’t blame yourself.

  • Remember to stay positive instead of finding ways to blame yourself. Practice constructive self-criticism, such as, “I put more effort into making plans than they did, and should avoid similar situations in the future.”

Step 2 Ask yourself if there were any red flags that you ignored.

  • Again, don’t get down on yourself as you think about warning signs that went unnoticed. The point is to identify red flags to look for in future relationships.

Step 3 View rejection as a blessing in disguise.

  • The next time you’re in a tough situation, think back to this, and remind yourself that things will get better.

Step 4 Remember your grief...

  • For example, you might say, “I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve had together, and this is tough for me to say. I don’t think it’s going to work out in the long run. I hope you understand, and I wish you all the best.”

Expert Q&A

You might also like.

Respond to a Date Rejection Text

  • ↑ https://www.self.com/story/ghosting-and-dating
  • ↑ https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/9kq7m3/how-to-handle-being-ghosted-by-a-friend
  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much
  • ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/stages-of-being-ghosted-on
  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201705/6-ways-deal-the-pain-being-ghosted
  • ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-handle-being-ghosted-and-why-its-not-a-very-nice-thing-to-do-to-someone-else/
  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201105/how-want-get-over-breakup

About This Article

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Being ghosted by a friend or romantic interest can be hurtful, but by giving yourself time to grieve and working on moving forward, you can respond positively. First, take time to cry or listen to sad music, since you have a right to feel upset about what’s happened. However, don’t blame yourself for the situation, because people are sometimes just incompatible with each other. Instead of beating yourself up over what you could have done differently, focus on the positive side of what’s happened. For example, you might tell yourself that it’s better to be ghosted by someone after a few dates than to waste several months on them. Try to find a close friend to talk to about the situation, which will help you manage your feelings. For tips on how to tell if you’ve been ghosted, keep reading! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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Ghosted After A Serious Relationship? 11 Tips To Help You Recover

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distraught woman lying on bed next to photo of her ex boyfriend - illustrating being ghosted after a serious relationship

There’s a particular sense of shame and embarrassment attached to the experience of being ghosted. It often ends up as the butt of a joke and is on par with psychopathic dates you’ve tried to avoid.

Ghosting doesn’t just happen after embarrassing first dates – it can happen to anyone at any point in their relationship. Even though it’s a relatively common risk of dating, it doesn’t mean it’s not a problem that can cause significant damage to those who experience it.

Being ghosted can have significant long-term effects on a person. It can impact someone’s self-confidence and affect how they pursue future relationships or meet anyone new. The person may blame themselves for their relationship abruptly ending and question what exactly went wrong.

It’s never easy to move on from a breakup – it’s even harder when you’ve been ghosted, and you’re missing the closure you need. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible.

Reframing the situation and seeing yourself as the victim and not the problem helps process the situation. You can then find the inner strength to make a conscious decision not to let this breakup define your future relationships.

Is your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend ghosting you? Not sure what to do next? Here are some helpful suggestions on how to begin to move on.

1. Allow yourself to go through all of your emotions.

Being ghosted will take you on a rollercoaster of emotions, especially when it’s from a serious relationship.

You might feel embarrassed, shocked, or even find yourself in denial. You could be confused, angry, upset, or worst of all, start thinking that there’s something wrong with you that made your ex leave.

Being ghosted doesn’t make the relationship less meaningful or easier to get over. When you’ve been ghosted by someone you genuinely cared about, it’s not as simple as just laughing off their disappearance or pretending the relationship never happened. The ending of any relationship is hard, especially without closure.

Allow yourself time to come to terms with the end of your relationship – but do so in your own way. You will never get the answers or reason why you were ghosted. Instead of focusing your energy on understanding why your ex left, focus on healing yourself.

Take time to work through all the emotions you’re experiencing in this breakup and put effort into building your self-confidence and self-love. The more you can love yourself, the stronger you’ll become. The goal is to grow strong enough to let go of this relationship and leave it behind you.

2. Don’t make any rash decisions.

When we’re hurt, we can allow our emotions to get the better of us and lead us to do things we later regret.

Being ghosted in a relationship is no exception to this. When you realize you’ve been ghosted, you’ll naturally want your ex to give you an explanation for their actions.

You might feel compelled to keep messaging or calling, go looking for them or even call their friends and family. These decisions may be unhealthy ones motivated by anger or shock.

If they still don’t answer you or can’t be found, it will only add to the embarrassment, upset, and loss you already feel.

If someone has decided to ghost you, they’re deliberately avoiding any type of confrontation. They don’t want to face the pain they’ve caused you. Trying to contact them (either for closure or insulting them) might only make you feel worse if they continue not to respond.

If you’ve made up your mind to try to contact your ex for a sense of closure, at least sleep on the idea. Don’t make any lasting decisions when you’re emotional. If you still feel the same way when you’re in a calmer state of mind, then you can make the decision that’s best for you.

3. Talk to someone.

After you’ve been ghosted, you might feel yourself trying to downplay the situation. You may not be ready to admit how things ended between you and your ex to anyone, including those close to you. But being ghosted is a painful and challenging experience. It’s not something you should have to cope with on your own.

Being ghosted by your boyfriend or girlfriend robs you of a sense of closure. It’s difficult to piece together how and why your relationship ended the way it did and know how to grow from the situation in a positive way when you don’t know what went wrong in the first place.

Such a sudden and unexplained ending can shake your self-confidence to its core. Talking through what you’re feeling in that moment can be a cathartic exercise that will help you find closure. While you might have a close friend or family member that you feel comfortable speaking to, consider talking to a trained professional.

No feeling is too small or unimportant to speak to a therapist about. You don’t have to have a “problem” to talk to someone or need help. Speaking to a professional can help you understand your relationship and yourself. They can also teach you how to process your feelings healthily and support you as you heal.

4. Don’t over-analyze the situation.

If you’ve been left suddenly by an ex, you might find yourself analyzing your part in the relationship. You may wonder if you could have done anything differently to change how things ended.

The problem with analyzing a relationship like this is that you’re only going to waste your time. The sad reality is that you’ll never know why your ex ended the relationship in the way they did. You might think you understand but can never be sure when you can’t talk to them about it. You’ll only make yourself more upset by focusing on such a negative situation.

Over-analyzing your relationship will keep you stuck in an unhealthy mental state and stop you from being able to move on with your life. As hard as it is to let go of your ex without answers to your questions, you have to try if you’re ever going to move on.

Don’t let them keep a hold over you by being stuck on questions you’ll never have the answers to. They took control of how things ended between you, but you can take back control over how you want to move forward in your life.

5. Learn that sometimes no closure is the closure you need.

One of the worst parts of being ghosted after a long time together is that you have no explanation or understanding of why the relationship failed.

There’s no final argument, no chance to say how you feel. You probably have a lot of things you’d like to tell your ex, but you’re cheated of the opportunity. You might even feel like you want them back to give the relationship a second chance.

As much as it feels like you’ve had no closure from the relationship, the fact that your ex has ghosted you could be all the closure you need. It takes a particular type of person to leave a serious relationship without facing their ex and giving them the respect of a proper breakup. It’s an immature and selfish choice, and that’s not the character of a person you want to be in a long-term relationship with.

They’ve shown that they don’t value your feelings the same way they do their own. You deserve more than that in a partner. If you had the chance to talk to them one more time, do you believe you’d get anything positive from the interaction? Or would it just hurt more to see them after knowing they were so willing to run away?

As much as it hurts right now, one day, you’ll hopefully realize it was for the best. You’ve dodged a bullet with your ex. They weren’t the person you thought they were. Yes, your ex decided to end your relationship without your input, which is unfair. But by walking out, they saved you from wasting more of your time with someone who didn’t appreciate and value you the way they should.

6. Don’t let this bring you down.

It’s easier said than done, and it’s difficult not to let the situation knock your self-esteem.

Being ghosted can affect the way you see yourself. It’s natural to question what you may have done wrong or why someone you loved treated you this way. It’s also easy to blame yourself for someone else’s actions in a situation without any explanation or closure.

As difficult as it is to keep those negative thoughts under control, you have to try to remind yourself that your ex’s decision to ghost you was theirs alone. It had nothing to do with you. Even if the relationship was coming to an end, your ex had the opportunity to end things maturely and respectfully. Ghosting someone is a selfish and easy option. Their decision to ghost is not a reflection of you but of who they are.

Just because your boyfriend or girlfriend decided to ghost you doesn’t mean that you are not worthy of love and respect. As you heal and overcome this moment, you’ll come through the other side a stronger person. You will be more in tune with yourself and the healthy relationship you deserve.

7. Their decision is not a reflection of you.

Feelings don’t come with an on and off switch. As much as this situation hurts, you can’t just turn off your feelings for your ex. You could find yourself excusing their faults by blaming their behavior on yourself. It’s hard to come to terms that someone you love could choose to do something so hurtful to you.

Blaming yourself won’t get you anywhere and will only make you feel worse. No one deserves to be ghosted without an explanation. It doesn’t matter if there were things you could have done differently or actions you think contributed to the breakup.

When you’re in a relationship with someone, you owe each other the respect of breaking up face to face. The reason your ex left you might have nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they were feeling in that moment. But they chose not to give you the courtesy of sticking around to tell you for sure.

Everyone has a choice about how they choose to handle a situation, so you can’t blame yourself for your ex’s actions. Their decision to ghost you was theirs alone and they could have chosen to do things differently.

Although it’s hard, try not to take their choices personally. Instead, try to be thankful that you’re no longer with someone who would rather take the easy route than the right one.

8. Ask one last time for an explanation.

There’s no easy way to get proper closure from a partner that’s ghosted you.

If they’ve decided to stop replying and have disappeared, then there’s not much you can do to make them have a conversation with you they don’t want to have.

You don’t want to be someone who leaves their ex multiple voicemails and emotional messages or contacts their friends and family to find them when they don’t want to be found. You have more self-respect than running after someone who didn’t care enough to say goodbye to you.

However, it can be challenging to come to a place where you can move on from the relationship when you don’t have the opportunity to express how you feel. Even if you don’t get a response, saying your piece one final time could be what you need to do to help you in the healing process.

If you reach out to your ex, be prepared not to get a response from them. It’s unlikely you’ll get the answers you want even if you ask the questions. But writing one final message telling them how you feel can be a cathartic exercise to help you find your sense of closure.

Try not to do this when your emotions are raw. There’s no need for hurtful language and to be argumentative. Think carefully about what you want to say to make them realize how their actions have affected you. Even if they never reply, they might still read or listen to your message. This is your chance to make them understand that ghosting is never okay.

You may not get the answers you want. Your ex might not even read or listen to your message. It won’t make the pain go away and but at least you’ve allowed yourself to say goodbye, even if they didn’t. You might find a sense of closure in knowing that you’ve finally said all you wanted to say.

9. Think about what you can learn from this experience.

Focusing on anything but the negatives is challenging if your relationship ends badly.

A serious relationship shouldn’t be defined by just one moment, and definitely not just by how it ended. Though painful to think of right now, it’s essential to learn to look back on the good times you had together. As time passes, you will be able to heal and gain perspective.

Exes are a chance to learn about yourself, what you need out of a relationship, and the type of partner that’s right for you. At the time, you may not have noticed the red flags, but in hindsight, you’ll be able to see why your ex was not the right fit for you.

Upon reflection, you may realize that you jumped into the relationship too quickly before you saw those red flags for what they were. Or maybe learn that everything got too serious too soon for you to genuinely know the person you were falling in love with.

This relationship ended because it wasn’t the right one for you. This experience should not hold you back from looking for a healthy relationship that meets your needs.

Use this experience to learn more about who you are, how strong you are emotionally, and what you need in a partner. This reflection will help you recognize the right person for you when they come along.

10. Get back out there.

Getting into a new relationship isn’t a way to fix how you feel about an old one. You should only get into a relationship when you’re happy and secure in yourself so you can enjoy your time with someone who brings out the best in you. And you should not rely on a relationship for the sole purpose of feeling loved.

Once you’ve taken some time to get over your ex and focus on yourself, getting back on the dating scene is a great way to help you move on with your life.

It can be scary to put yourself out there after being ghosted. When you’ve had your trust broken so wholly, it’s going to be challenging to open up to someone new and believe that the same thing won’t happen again.

You have to remember that everyone is different. There are millions of people in the world, and no two people are the same. Even if you don’t meet your perfect match right away, dating will remind you that not all people act in the same way. It will help you gain the perspective that this is one bad experience.

Dating can boost your confidence and remind you of the attractive, positive person you can be. Meeting other people might even help you see how wrong your ex was for you, after all.

Don’t deny yourself all the significant parts that come with a relationship just because you’ve experienced the bad. Refusing to date because of your ex gives them a hold over you that they don’t deserve to have. They didn’t value you, but that’s not to say that someone else won’t. Allow yourself to trust that there are good people out there and start enjoying yourself again.

11. Think about what you’d gain if you had a chance to talk to your ex.

After being ghosted by your long-term partner, you might tell yourself that all you need is one more conversation with them, and then you’d be able to move on.

You’d tell your ex how you feel, maybe even ask them to give your relationship another go, or at least try to understand why they left.

You can spend time imagining how the conversation might go and convince yourself that this is all you need to move on with your life. But if you’re honest with yourself, do you think you’d feel better if you spoke to them again?

Your ex was prepared to end your relationship without explaining and live with themselves having never said goodbye. They had the chance to talk to you, to break up with you maturely, but they chose not to. What makes you think they would offer you any more than that if you saw them again?

If you managed to get a response from them and agreed to meet, would the experience bring any positivity to your life? If you had the opportunity to get back with them, could you ever trust that they wouldn’t ghost you again?

Ghosting isn’t taken as seriously as it should be, and the very act is usually laughed off or hidden through embarrassment. It can, however, have a significant negative psychological impact on someone who has been through it.

When you’re one-half of a relationship, you’re trusting someone else with your happiness. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that they would leave you so abruptly and with so little thought for the pain they’ve caused you.

You are not responsible for your ex’s actions, but you do have to suffer the consequences of them. You’ll have to find a way to learn to live with the unanswered questions you have and be able to trust in a relationship again.

Ghosting is a selfish act. It’s not taking accountability for what you’re leaving behind and ignoring a situation by shutting it out. It’s a quick fix for the person walking away, but not for anyone else.

As someone who was ghosted, you have the job of learning to rely on yourself. You’ve had your heart broken, but you have to have faith that you’re strong enough to move past this.

Not every relationship will end like this. There will be a voice in your head making you doubt yourself and other partners, but it’s your choice whether or not to listen to it.

When you find someone ready to appreciate the love you have to give, they won’t walk away and ghost you.

Use this horrible situation as a stepping stone towards finding the right person for you. It is a way to gain a whole new appreciation of yourself and your ability to regroup, renew, and come out stronger in the end.

You may also like:

  • 14 Reasons Why People Ghost (+ How To Get Over Being Ghosted)
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  • My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me Suddenly For No Reason. Now What?
  • Why Do Breakups Hurt So Much? The Pain Of A Relationship Ending
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How to get over being ghosted

78 percent of 800 millennials surveyed between the ages of 18-33 claim they’ve been ghosted.

Be it a friend or person you’re dating , when someone you care for “ghosts” you, or abandons you out of thin air without an explanation, it’s an awful, awful feeling. Yet ghosting happens so often, the term has even inspired a Halloween costume this year.

Ghosting is nothing new — you’d be hard pressed to find a person alive who hasn’t been ghosted at some point in their lives. But now it’s commonplace to forge connections with potential friends and partners remotely through a phone, ghosting is easier to do than ever. Here’s some proof: this oft-quoted, alarming, 2016 statistic from the dating site Plenty of Fish reveals that 78 percent of 800 millennials surveyed between the ages of 18-33 claim they’ve been ghosted.

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Related Got swiping fatigue? Try ‘slow dating’, a more mindful approach to romance

“Swiping culture reduces humanity to something quite basic,” says author Rosie Walsh , who was inspired to write her best-selling novel “ Ghosted ” after a friend’s boyfriend went from planning a vacation with her to vanishing from her life without a trace. “When you’re rejecting 200 people a night, it dehumanizes the dating pool in which you stand,” she says.

When you’ve been ghosted, you might go through a few emotional stages:

Shock and Denial

Once you’ve gone through the trouble of emotionally investing in someone, it can be shocking when they suddenly decide to opt out of your life. “On the surface, ghosting always sends the message that says, ‘Not only am I not interested in having a relationship with you, but I am not interested in talking to you, or I’m unable to talk to you about this directly,’ Walsh explains.

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Related Is 'micro-cheating' really cheating? It depends, experts say

At a deeper level, ghosting suggests a problem with the person doing the ghosting, but instead the person being ghosted might think there is something wrong with them,” says Scott T. Wilson , a clinical psychologist and adjunct assistant professor in the Department of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Teachers College Columbia University.


Social media can abbreviate any denial period about whether or not, or why you were ghosted, and all that wondering about what could’ve possibly happened can quickly turn into feelings of humiliation. Walsh says "ghosting isn’t new, but what social media does is it gives us 20 ways of being in contact with each other... If they’re still not choosing any of those 20 means to contact you, and you can watch them on social media and see they are, indeed, alive and well, you have to acknowledge that the person ghosting you is being rude and disrespectful.”

Feelings of humiliation can easily turn inward, and it can be easy to start questioning what you did to prompt the ghosting. “Your immediate thought is 'what’s wrong with me?,'” says Walsh.

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Related What is gaslighting?

“The lack of explanation leads the person being ghosted to attempt to figure out the other person’s motivations,” explains Wilson. “Regardless of the length of the relationship, many people would be more likely to explain the ambiguity (of the situation) with what I would call the worst-case scenario explanation: there must have been something wrong with them (for the ghost to leave). This explanation can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, or self-blame, and can lead a person down the path of trying to figure out what they might have done wrong. It can make that person less confident in their next relationship and perpetuate any self-esteem issues.”

Anger and closure

Eventually, those with healthy self-esteem will likely get angry at the ‘ghost’ for putting them through all of these changes and write them off as selfish and/or immature. But even so, the healing can take some time. “The longer the relationship lasted and the stronger the attachment, the more difficult this is to do, and the more of a sense of loss a person would experience,” Wilson says.

It might take some time but if you’ve been ghosted, closure is the best gift you can give yourself. “Complete cessation of contact” is Walsh’s primary ghosting recovery recommendation. “As soon as you suspect you’ve been ghosted, don’t reach out,” Walsh advises. “Even if the person ghosting you has been in a coma, they’ll eventually get in touch if they want. No matter what they do, how many times they come back, you have to just take the pain all in one go and stop looking for closure. When someone ghosts you, you’ve got closure — it’s just a rude disrespectful version of closure. Nothing could be clearer. Being ghosted is humiliating enough, but if you’ve behaved in ways that you find shameful, it compounds the misery. If you walk away with all of your pain and refuse to chase them, you’ll recover more quickly.”

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Related Are you guilty of ‘orbiting’? It may be hurting your relationships.

Besides, you’re better off without someone who doesn’t respect you enough to end things face-to-face. “The most important thing to remind yourself of, is the very fact that the person who chose to end their relationship with you in this way suggests there is some problem with them, rather than you. Whether it is a difficulty dealing with emotional issues, difficulty with commitment or just callousness, the presence of these sorts of issues suggests they would not make a very good relationship partner and that you might be better off without them,” advises Wilson.

And what if you're tempted to ghost someone?

Though ghosting may seem like an easy trap door escape from any relationship, think twice. “Despite the fact that it occurs relatively frequently, ghosting should really never be considered an appropriate way to end a relationship,” says Wilson. “The best way to end a relationship for all parties involved is for the person ending the relationship is to explain their reasons for doing so to the other person. This shows the other person respect, helps them understand the situation and if needed, can help them to address whatever the issue is that led to the end of the relationship.”


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What to Text After Being Ghosted: 10 Fool-Proof Responses Recommended by Relationship Experts

How to get that closure.

Author image: headshot of writer Sarah Ashley

Unfortunately, being ghosted has nothing to do with Patrick Swayze, Devon Sawa or anyone else who played a hunky spirit in a big budget film. Quite the opposite, actually. Being ghosted means someone vanishes from all communication —typically in reference to a romantic courting of sorts—and you’re left without answers, or worse, their unfinished business. Rude! The worst part about being ghosted? Plotting your next move, which usually means composing the perfect text. A post-ghost text has to do a million things at once: call them out, ask them why, let ‘em have it and get some closure. All while sounding as breezy as possible. There’s no perfect response after being ghosted, but honey, you’ve got options. We consulted four relationship experts to bring you ten text ideas worthy of pressing “send.”

Meet the Experts

  • Hilary Weinstein , LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the founder of HLW Therapy , based in New York. Weinstein specializes in treating depression, anxiety, relationship issues and eating disorders. She holds a degree in psychology from Bucknell University and a master’s degree in social work from Fordham University.
  • Claire AH is a matchmaker, dating coach and owner of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking in Toronto, Canada. AH holds a degree psychology from York University.
  • Ruby Payne is a sex and relationship expert at UberKinky , a leading adult toy retailer. Payne’s work has appeared in The Sun , Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan and more, where she has covered sex and relationships for over 10 years.
  • John De Oca is a board-certified nurse practitioner and relationship coach who has worked in the healthcare field for over a decade.

What Is Ghosting?

Ghosting is a haunting phenomenon. It happens when the person you’ve recently started dating stops contacting you cold turkey. Hilary Weinstein, LCSW, of HLW Therapy , says, “When a person ‘ghosts,’ they are non-verbally communicating to you that they are not interested, or unsure at best.” Silence is a rotten way to let someone know you no longer want to date them. In fact, part of the reason ghosting is so frustrating is because there are no specifics! The person on the receiving end is left wondering if things are totally dead and if so, why?

We like to understand why things happen. When we’re ghosted, not only do we not know why, we begin thinking we’re the problem. “[Ghosting] often starts the spiral of narratives of negative self-talk, insecurities, and replaying interactions to try to guess ‘what went wrong,’ or ‘wasn’t enough,’” says Weinstein.

This is why that urge to text after you’ve been ghosted is so strong. We want our control back! All these emotions—anger, fear, hurt—swirl around and we choose the only weapon available to us: our phone.

Why Do People Ghost?

People ghost for a lot of reasons. One thing to remember: It’s not about you. For the most part, people who ghost aren’t comfortable communicating their emotions and don’t like confrontation. Breaking up with someone requires both and some folks aren’t cut out for it.

“They are giving you the gift of showing you, early on, a bunch of red flags about their ability to communicate, respect your feelings, prioritize somebody other than themselves, and basically, have their emotional shit together,” says Weinstein. “Whether or not you two shared certain interests, humor, physical attraction or otherwise is beside the point.”

Claire AH, a matchmaker, dating coach and owner of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking , reminds people that while ghosting is bad behavior, it can definitely come from a place of pain. It’s hard to know where someone is coming from if your only experience with them is a few sushi dates. In fact, when Taimi , the largest LGBTQ+ dating platform, asked users about their experiences with ghosting, several admitted they ghosted out of fear.

One user said she even ghosted people she was sure would’ve become great partners. “I think the main reason was my fear of the unknown ,” she said. “I decided to end it because at that moment I faced major abandonment issues and was simply scared of diving into things deeper and then facing a potential breakup.”

Remember this if and when you decide to text after being ghosted. Lashing out and shooting off judgmental texts isn’t a good look whether the person is struggling with abandonment issues or not.

Should You Text Someone Who Ghosted You?

Overwhelmingly, all the experts we consulted recommend not texting anything after being ghosted. We know! It’s hard. Sending a message is just not worth your time or energy, especially since you can’t control the response. Would it be great to have them break down crying and apologize? Yes! Does that happen? Almost never!

But, there are a few circumstances where reaching out might make sense. If any of the following apply to you, wait a week or two to cool down, then compose a text.

  • They stood you up on a date
  • Things were going incredibly well and the communication was consistent
  • You’d been on more than four dates
  • Your sole intention is to express yourself

Ruby Payne, sex and relationship expert at UberKinky , a leading adult toy retailer, says being stood up or ghosted after four dates is grounds for a text. Payne adds, “Your goal here shouldn’t be to win them back or punish them. Don’t shout, swear or try to get them to give you another chance…Don’t hold out for a response or an apology; be the bigger person and realize you’re better off without them.”

We particularly enjoyed the advice from John De Oca, a relationship coach and nurse practitioner, who says the intention behind your text is everything. “When the intention is to get a response out of them, I believe that is when we should refrain,” he says. “Texting will allow you to make that one last effort and truly get what you need off your chest.”

If all you want is a sobbing, apologizing fool on the other end of the text, put. Down. Your. Phone.

What to Text After Being Ghosted

Every situation is unique, but here are ten texts to send after being ghosted. Send only one text. Don’t give in to anger. No guilt-tripping. Zero expectations.

1. “Hey, are you OK? It’s been a minute.”

Claire AH says a short, direct text is a “calm and low-intensity response that draws no attention to the matter of ghosting. Everything is kept light and open-ended.” Asking a question also shows you’re mature and haven’t freaked out yet (whether or not you have). “Whilst we may feel that the ghoster does not deserve our patience or niceties, if we want a response, we need to approach the situation in this way,” says Claire. If you don’t get a response, assume the worst (your date is not Devon Sawa or Patrick Swayze), and move on. If you do get a response, it’s possible one of our other options will work for your next text.

2. “Hey, I thought we were off to an amazing start, but you sort of disappeared. I hope everything’s OK. If you wanna talk, I’d love to know what happened, good or bad."

This is the text you send when you really felt a serious connection—maybe the two of you even exchanged exclamations of almost love!—and are shocked about the ghosting. Beware: This is a vulnerable text and you may not like the reply (or lack thereof). Dr. Oca says, “If it feels good to you, you can acknowledge in a text that you were enjoying getting to know them and spending time with them and that you were surprised to not hear from them.” Curious, honest texts are best. Please don’t write 100 sentences. Please don’t use the words “soul mates.”

3. “Haven’t heard from you in a long time, which is a bummer. For me, this has run its course.”

It’s totally fine to say it like it is, even if you’re simply confirming it for yourself. This language also lets the ghoster know you took note of their behavior, didn’t appreciate it and are moving on. We highly recommend deleting and blocking their number after this, to avoid replying to any excuses they may send over afterwards. Stay true to your word! Let it run its course.

4. “I’m heading to Cheers tomorrow night with some friends if you’re into it! LMK, it would be great to see you.”

Instead of Cheers, obviously insert the name of the real bar you’re going to—and invite real friends. Don’t go alone and trick them into a date. This is a great way to reignite the conversation if you’re still interested and think perhaps your Sam Malone just got nervous about things getting too serious. Some people open up more around other people. If you hear nothing, do not send out any subsequent invites! This person isn’t worth the will-they-won’t-they story line.

5. “Spilled coffee on myself and thought of you haha—hope that stain came out!”

Sending a “this reminded me of you” text is a nice way to acknowledge it’s been eons since you’ve heard from this person but there are no hard feelings. “I think it's fair to send a text checking in and just saying that the person has been on your mind,” says Claire AH. Warning: Don’t send this if you are still mad at them! This is not a way to trick them into replying so you can yell at them! A shared memory says you consider your time together as the distant past—and nothing more.

6. “Hey, I had a blast with you but I need more communication. Thanks for buying me sushi!”

Acknowledging your needs is a great move. This text is ideal for folks who really did enjoy themselves and yet have no interest in seeing a person who can’t reply in a timely manner. Now, it is possible this type of message will elicit a response. If you did have a blast and the person has a valid reason why communication has suffered, maybe hear them out. But take note of the pattern. Fool me once…then never again.

7. “I wish you had been more honest with me. It doesn’t feel great.”

Telling someone they let you down is almost as hard as telling someone you don’t want to see them anymore. Confrontation is tough! If you want to let your ghoster know they hurt your feelings, put yourself front and center. Focus on how you feel. Anyone who senses hostility on the other end of the line is going to immediately go on the defensive. “It doesn't usually do much good to chastise someone,” says Claire AH. “It rarely goes well and often gets out of hand.” Warning: Do not let this turn into a tirade or argument!

8. “I feel sad things didn’t work out between us. Any chance you want to let me know what happened?”

This…is a big risk. But Claire AH says, “If you would like, you can send a single text just asking what happened. You can actually indicate that you're looking for closure so that they understand the parameters of your request.” Closure can take a while to set in. Remember, you cannot control how they’ll reply.

9. “There’s no way we won’t run into each other. Please give me space.”

Oops, did you try to date someone in your friend group or close to it? If there’s a chance you’ll run into the person who ghosted you, it’s wise to send something like this text. Setting boundaries is crucial, even with acquaintances and friends of friends.

10. Nothing

Ghosting is more about the other person than it is about you. Payne encourages people who have been ghosted to “put that effort into yourself instead. Try not to take it personally and do your best to not let them live rent free in your head. Unfollow them everywhere, delete their number, and move on. You deserve better.”

He Ghosted Me After His Ex-Girlfriend Passed Away

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Why People Ghost — and How to Get Over It

Time to go ghostbusting.

By Adam Popescu

Something strange happened at the coffee shop the other day. The gentleman in line in front of me — mid-40s, suit, bad haircut — ordered a latte. “Whole milk,” he said before changing to half and half, then almond milk. “For here,” he mumbled, then shook his head. “No. To go.”

I ordered an espresso. Our drinks arrived at the same time and I picked up mine, added sugar, sat, sipped. The latte remained at the counter, the barista calling his name over and over. But the man in the suit was gone. Why would someone order a drink and disappear?

Ghosting — when someone cuts off all communication without explanation — extends to all things, it seems. Most of us think about it in the context of digital departure: a friend not responding to a text, or worse, a lover, but it happens across all social circumstances and it’s tied to the way we view the world.

Asking for a beverage and then jetting may not seem equal to ditching an unwanted romance, but it’s really the same behavior. Uncomfortable? Just don’t respond. A ghost is a specter, something we think is there but really isn’t. We’ve all probably acted like this if we’re honest. We’ve all probably been ghosted, too, though sometimes we probably didn’t notice. These are supernatural times.

Last week, my sister and I got in an argument and her boyfriend didn’t text me back — a micro-ghost move.

“There are different levels of ghosting,” said Wendy Walsh, a psychology professor named one of Time’s 2017 people of the year for her whistle blowing that helped promote the #MeToo movement. My sister’s boyfriend is what Dr. Walsh calls lightweight ghosting. Midweight is when you’ve met a person a handful of times and you engage in deep avoidance , which hurts their feelings more. “Third wave is the heavyweight, when you’ve entered a sexual relationship and you leave, blindsiding the other.”

The pace of modern life makes it hard enough to maintain real life friendships; it’s impossible to actually be friends with everyone you’re supposedly simpatico with online. (Here’s a good test: How many of your Facebook friends are real? If you’ve met someone once and now they’re on your feed for life, get rid of them! If a friendship feels like too much work, maybe it is. The good ones shouldn’t feel like a chore on your to-do list, or that one side is doing all the communicating). Sometimes the best course is to let someone go, even if you were once close. Growing apart can be a friendship’s natural evolution; ditto for lovers, an even touchier discourse. But it’s the way you let go that matters.

Belief, destiny and growth

Studies have shown that social rejection of any kind activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain, meaning there’s a biological link between rejection and pain. That goes for friends, partners and, if it had feelings, that lonely latte.

Staying connected to others has evolved as a human survival skill. Our brains have what’s called a social monitoring system that uses mood, people and environmental cues to coach us how to respond situationally. But when you get ghosted, there’s no closure, so you question yourself and choices which sabotages self-worth and self-esteem.

That ambiguity, said the psychologist Jennice Vilhauer , is the real dagger. She calls ghosting a form of the silent treatment akin to emotional cruelty (the pain it causes can be treated with Tylenol, according to multiple studies ). So, how do you avoid it in the first place?

“Well, I think I’m particularly choosy about who I tend to interact with,” said Dr. Vilhauer, the former head of Los Angeles’ Cedars-Sinai Medical Center psychotherapy program. “You can get a sense early on of what kind of individual you’re dealing with.”

There’s no checklist, but watching how people treat others is a good indicator.

“Ghosting has a lot to do with someone’s comfort level and how they deal with their emotions,” she added. “A lot of people anticipate that talking about how they feel is going to be a confrontation. That mental expectation makes people want to avoid things that make them uncomfortable.”

When it comes to complex relationships, the ease and sheer volume of choice is making us numb emotionally, Dr. Vilhauer said.

“In the dating world where people are meeting a lot of people outside of their social circles, that creates a level of feeling that you don’t have a lot of accountability if you ghost someone,” she said. “Their friends don’t know your friends so it’s easy to do if you’re never going to run into them again in real life.”

What we really want

According to Dr. Vilhauer, who is in a long-term relationship that began on a dating site, the flip side is a subset of the population looking for real connection.

“People are craving authenticity,” she said. For those looking for love in online emotional echo chambers, “the more you date, the more it feels unsuccessful, the more you get discouraged.”

She added: “Being vulnerable is the number one thing that creates intimacy between people and if you worry about being hurt all the time, you’re not able to be vulnerable and it affects the quality of connection.”

That fear is the same thing causing so much ghosting, said Gili Freedman , who studies the language of rejections at St. Mary’s College of Maryland. One eyebrow-raising tip she offers when you’ve made a mistake and ghosted someone is to not say “Sorry .” Why, I wondered? It only makes the injured party feel more aggrieved, she said.

In a 2018 paper , Dr. Freedman discovered ghosting has a lot to do with how we feel about our future — or whether we think our mate is the “one,” which is a question of belief versus destiny. Either someone believes the relationship is capable of growing or they’re seeking an archetypal partner (what’s typically called a soul mate).

“Individuals who have stronger destiny beliefs are more likely to ghost,” she said. “If you’re with someone and you realize they’re not the one for me, you’re going to think it’s not much of a point to put in the effort, so you ghost. These people believe relationships are either going to work out or not.”

Those with less of a fixed mind-set exhibit fewer feelings of helplessness and express themselves in conflicts with romantic partners.

Her work’s most counterintuitive finding?

“People seemed to think it was more acceptable to ghost in a friendship than a romantic relationship regardless of destiny of growth belief,” Dr. Freedman said. “We think of friendship as these long lasting relationships that provide social support and it’s interesting to think people are saying it’s a little better if you do it in a friendship. How you look at relationships affects how you look at ghosting.”


“It’s really important to remember if someone ghosts you that behavior says more about them than you,” Dr. Vilhauer said. “It’s about their discomfort. You have to keep trying.”

One way to avoid this cycle is modifying how we reject people, suggests Dr. Freedman.

Don’t apologize, she said, but be honest about boundaries, whether it’s going to a movie with someone or spending the rest of your life together. Just be real.

“The good middle ground is explicitly rejecting someone and telling them ‘no,’ not ‘I’m sorry,’” she said.

It may sound harsh, but it’s better than being left in limbo. That may be why so many daters don’t get the hint and keep texting. That ostracism leads to rage, frustration and further alienation.

“If you’re apologizing, you’re enforcing a social norm and if you say ‘sorry,’ it’s very normal to say ‘that’s O.K., I forgive you,’” she said.

Taking a risk to tell someone how you really feel — even if it’s not what they want to hear — has benefits. Self-esteem, stress, blood pressure, spending more time with people you care about. And getting that time back opens up self-discovery. Maybe you’ll find what makes you most fulfilled is nature , which promotes alpha brain waves, fuels creativity and reduces depression (my personal fix).

Perspective can be a good path to empathy, Dr. Walsh said. Our always-on culture has eroded a lot of empathy, which is why we find ourselves stepping on each others’ feelings. Yet for all the choice, we’re all still seeking connections. The power of the internet and its ease in upsetting our lives is only poised to grow. It’s how we use this intoxicant that will determine its impact.

“We are wired to bond,” Dr. Walsh said. “The phenomenon of love, our greatest drug and delusion evolved for two people to get together and have offspring. The great survivors will be the ones who still figure out love.”

Adam Popescu is a Los Angeles writer whose debut novel, “ Nima ,” based on his BBC reporting from Mount Everest, publishes in May. Follow him @ adampopescu .

A Guide to Building and Nurturing Friendships

Friendships are an essential ingredient in a happy life. here’s how to give them the care and attention they deserve..

How does one make meaningful friendships as an adult? Here are some suggestions ,  useful tools  and tips from an expert .

If you are an introvert, it can be hard to reconcile the need for close connections with the urge to cancel social plans. Here is how to find your comfort zone .

A friendship with a sibling can be a lifelong gift. Whether you’ve always been close, or wish you got along better, here’s how to bolster your connection .

All relationships require some work. For your friendships to thrive , focus on your listening skills, compassion and communication.

American men are in a “friendship recession,” but experts say a few simple strategies can help. One tip? Practice being more vulnerable with your pals .

It’s quite common for people to feel jealousy or envy toward their friends. Luckily, there are ways to turn those emotions into an opportunity  for growth.

Being a good friend means offering your support in times of need. Just remember: Sometimes less is better than more .

Psychological, Psychotherapy, Life Coaching and Counseling Services in Toronto

How to Deal with Being Ghosted

How to Deal with Being Ghosted

Ghosting is ruining our relationships, here is what to do about it.

Most of us by now have heard or had to use the expression “ghosting”. Ghosting is when someone in a relationship ends the relationship without explanation. There is no more communication, only silence from the ghosting person. They vanish like a ghost from the ghosted persons life.

People Ghost More Often Than Thought

Ghosting is more common than most people might think, due to the increase of technology as a tool in our relationships. Ghosting is a common reaction to uncomfortable feelings. The ghoster can stop responding and never have to face any consequence.

Ghosting is unlike radio silence, or the silent treatment, two methods often used to manipulate. Ghosting is traumatic, leading to mental health issues, damaged self esteem, and even problems in future relationships.

We’re here to help Schedule your online therapy session today

Although ghosting is widespread, navigating it is still difficult. To identify the root cause of ghosting we sat down with our therapists and discussed a few critical aspects: how to deal with being ghosted, effective communication techniques to better cope with ghosting, and how to keep moving forward.

woman looking at phone after ghosting some other person

Why Do People Ghost?

“What did I do?” is the first question after being ghosted.

It’s important to remember ghosting says more about the person doing it, than vice versa. It’s often a displays of their lack or weakness of character. But unfortunately, this does not the difficult feelings go away or lessen the pain at all.

Try to think back to a time in which somebody last ghosted you. What happened? Did you say something to invite this sort of abnormal reaction?

Perhaps it was during a casual online dating situation or after a few dates. Maybe you were just getting to know the other person, and they dropped off the face of the earth. Or, it was a friend that was avoiding you after a difficult conversation.

The Person Ghosting Has Issues

Some people do not like to have emotional closeness or have issues with communication. These people tend to use ghosting to deal with difficult situations more often. Though people with uncomfortable feelings around conflict will not always be ghoster.

People spend a lot of time online, it’s not wonder it’s a common place to develop new relationships. This causes a lack of human connection and physical bonding, making it easier to ghost. Once the connection with someone feels over, the person disappears.

What Happens When We are Ghosted?

The act of being ghosted is damaging for everyone involved. The recipient is left feeling hurt, angry, rejected. But the person doing the ghosting is also left with difficult feelings, having to carry the guilt and shame of treating someone poorly.

The after effects can be very damaging. Both parties mistrust new relationships, reducing the opportunity for intimacy and authentic connection.

Ghosting Creates Unhealthy Relationship Habits

Lastly, the most important point is that ghosting creates unhealthy relationship habits . When conflict and uncomfortable feelings are bad, the common way to stop being ghosted is to keep things “perfect”.

This false sense of security in a relationship can lead to lying, deceit, and passive-aggressiveness. This makes building healthy relationships hard. It prevents building true friendships and leads to shallow connections.

woman looks at a dating app, feeling low self esteem and social rejection

How Technology Plays a Role in our Relationships

The integration of technology into our lives impacts how our relationships grow. From how we meet employers, to romantic partners. A dating app is a convenient way to form a new romantic relationship, but it is not without it’s faults. Dating apps often lead to troubling ways of handling social interactions.

The speed that we deliver and consume information has greatly increased. That same speed has become a standard for interacting with people – the cycle of relationships has sped up. The ability to quickly move from one romantic interest to another is a new phenomenon. Moving on has become a much faster interaction than what we have known before.

Feelings Can Be Difficult to Read

A person may feel they’ve found the right person, or a good romantic partner, after chatting for only a brief period of time. The feeling may not be mutual, and when a person has lost interest they may ghost the other person. Moving on often without explanation to avoid a seemingly difficult conversation. Out of sight, out of mind.

Technology has made it easier to move on from perceived sticky situations. Deleting text messages, locking social accounts, blocking people, it’s all quite easy. Our tech has allowed us a pass at confronting all sides of our lives.

Understanding the way that technology impacts our relationships is important. It offers us a chance to be more thoughtful about who and how we engage with others.

Why do we Avoid Conflict so much?

We all avoid conflict in one way or another, the simple reason is that conflict puts us on the spot. Conflict forces us to experience shame, embarrassment, hurt, sadness, and stress. The problem is that avoiding conflict is even worse.

Avoiding conflict reduces our ability to face the consequences of our behavior. We cannot learn how we affect others when we avoid their reactions. When we confront conflict, we have the chance to learn how to be empathetic, patient, generous, and thoughtful. All very important attributes to successful relationships.

Avoiding conflict also reinforces our social anxieties. Fearing being the bad guy, we don’t learn practical conflict resolution skills. Because of this we are not successful at problem-solving relationship problems. This hurts our friendships, families and professional lives at work.

How Can we Improve our Communication Skills?

Our natural reaction to conflict is to avoid it. Most of us are unwilling to feel uncomfortable. We don’t like dealing with the negative consequences of awkward or negative social interactions. A lot of us would prefer to lose a casual relationship than engage in a difficult conversation.

Humans are emotionally wired to avoid uncomfortable feelings. We’d rather choose happiness and ease over difficult situations. If that means that certain social interactions are delayed, then ghosting seems like the better of the two options.

Although we know that conflict is difficult, we must learn how to work through it. Take a look at what you can do to work through conflict instead of ignoring it or avoiding it.


  • Stick to the facts. Try to separate what happened from how you felt about it.
  • Use empathy to try to put yourself in other’s shoes.
  • Before moving on to conflict resolution, ask questions so that you have all the information
  • Paraphrase what the person is saying to ensure that you have captured their perspective and show them that you are listening.

Active Listening:

  • Listen deeply without planning your rebuttal.
  • Do not interrupt; offer the person time to express themselves.
  • Soften body language by leaving your arms and legs uncrossed; try to smile and engage in eye contact as much as possible.
  • Suspend your judgment. Offer space for a conversation about information instead of who is right.
  • Speak when you have enough time to talk without interruptions.
  • Make sure that you are in a safe area where both parties will be comfortable to be open and honest

Identify the Conflict and Brainstorm:

  • The goal should be to agree on what the problem is.
  • Discuss different solutions.
  • Leave space for points that need more time for resolution.

Identify Common Objectives:

  • Collaborate to identify commonality versus opposition. This step eases tension and offers a positive connection. Focusing on the problem helps to reduce personal attacks

Read More about How to Productively Communicate your Feelings

To learn more read our “ Guide to Productively Communicating your feelings. “

So, How to Deal With Being Ghosted?

Were you ghosted? Here’s what to do:

  • Do not chase the person ghosting. Resist the temptation to troll them on the internet. They have shown you that they cannot share in a healthy relationship, it’s healthier to move on.
  • Please know that there is nothing wrong with you. It may be easy to assume that you did something wrong. Nobody is perfect, but we all deserve respect. It’s normal to have a conversation during breakups, misunderstandings, and differences of opinion.
  • Say what you need, and move on. If you can’t let it go and you have a chance to talk to the person, say what you need to say, but move on.
  • Take self-care steps. Get enough sleep, spend more time with a close friend or family member. Make a conscious effort to engage in healthy activities. Do things you associate with feeling good.
  • Consider avoiding dating apps. Try meeting people offline, for example through a mutual friend.

Avoid becoming a ghost yourself. Practice direct and compassionate communication, reaching out to friends for advice. If you feel like there is no hope consider taking a course on conflict resolution. A session with a licensed psychologist can also help. Taking these steps can help you feel good and get on track.

Working with a life coach is a great way to learn effective communication and conflict resolution. If you are looking for a therapist or life coach, our experienced staff are here to help. For more information, please contact us .

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how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Natasha Adamo

How To Get Over Someone Who Ghosted You

How To Get Over Someone Who Ghosted You

You thought that you and the person you were dating had a great connection. You made each other laugh, the chemistry was there, the conversation flowed naturally, and you both talked about the future. After a few weeks/months, however, the constant back-and-forth texts between the two of you started to peter off. You’d be left hanging for hours without a response. They suddenly seemed to be a lot busier and more unavailable. You felt a disconnect but chalked it up to “overthinking.” And then one day… the communication stopped altogether. They ghosted you.

Getting abandoned out of the blue by someone you care about, being met with radio silence, and left  without  an explanation is one of the most awful feelings. All of our undealt with trauma gets brought back up while we obsessively rehash a past that doesn’t support the pain/reality of the present moment in any way.

“How did this happen?”

“What did I do wrong?”

“How will I ever be able to trust again?”

You want closure but it’s nowhere to be found.  You need to know how to get over someone who ghosted you, ASAP.

When Natasha asked me to write a guest post on ghosting I was very flattered for the opportunity, but I was also asking myself “why do I know so much about this topic?” Unfortunately for me, I have experienced my fair share of ghosting in dating and no part of the experience was pleasant. I was never able to truly believe that this was about them  and not my lack of value. I have spent so much time wondering what I did wrong to make someone who claimed to care about me, be able to ghost me.

“What’s wrong with me?” Here goes the reverse narcissism (me thinking that another person’s actions/inactions are all about me and my perceived lack of value). I thought everything was going well and we were enjoying each other. I can remember telling myself that there were no signs of trouble. He was perfect; we were perfect. Wrong! There were so many red flags .

When I reflect and I am honest with myself, I can see that the relationship went silent and dark because but he did not want a loving and mature relationship. He could not deal with that scenario. He could fake it but never live the reality of it. As Natasha says, “the worst relationships have the best moments.” There were some amazing moments but as I now know, amazing moments alone do not make a relationship. It’s like putting a pile of crumbs together and calling it a cookie.

Anyone who can take your greatest gift of giving your physical self and emotional currency and then, vanish, lacks the capability to ever take inventory of themselves. They will keep jumping from one relationship to the next, thinking that the grass is greener .

They will keep doing what’s best for them.  These people fail to understand that their disappearing act opens the flood gates to much disappointment for the receiver in addition to now having to heal one’s confidence, ego, and mostly… the heart. In my experience, all the cocktails, working out, shopping, and chocolate eating (my favorite medicine), cannot help. It is a process and not one that a person sets out to experience. It is selfishly thrust upon them without choice.

So, how do we pick ourselves up and move on? How do we not blame ourselves? I had to search for ways to cope as I am sure many of you have and are doing right now. After many sleepless nights, I finally started to develop my thoughts in a way so I could cope. I have listed some of them for you…

Stop Looking For An Explanation

So, what’s the first step in learning how to get over someone who ghosted you?

Stop looking for an explanation or a specific “reason” why they did it. After all, there a million possibilities. Maybe they met someone else, maybe they realized they weren’t ready for a relationship, maybe they weren’t quite as emotionally invested in things as you were, or maybe they’re just a complete jerk.

The point is that trying to play a never-ending guessing game about “what you did wrong” (likely, nothing) or why they’d leave a seemingly great situation will just make you feel more miserable than you already do.

You’ll continue to dwell on the relationship, you’ll start to doubt how awesome you are, and you’ll waste time and energy on someone who, at the end of the day, just wasn’t worth your time.

Plus, the fact of the matter is that the problem is almost always with the person who ghosted you, and not you. They may be conflict-avoidant, have a narcissistic personality, or they just may be emotionally afraid of getting close to someone. These are not traits you want in a partner.

Remember, you’re better off without them.

That’s not to say you can’t be upset, angry, or just completely confused. In fact, it’s important to allow yourself to feel those emotions and admit to yourself that being ghosted hurt you – especially if you’re dealing with ghosting after a long relationship.

But your goal should be to take care of yourself and think about what you need or want to do to move on, not what may have caused the other person to walk away.

When they disappeared, they took all their selfish, self-serving and excuses with them. Not so comforting, I know, but you cannot control other people’s actions. This person is solely responsible for all the damage. Ghosts may float away but their weight can still be very heavy. Do not carry their weight for them. Blaming yourself is not going to provide any comfort. Even if you had some moments of bad behavior or there was a conflict of some sort, having a conversation about it would be the mature and compassionate way to handle the situation. Ghosting is not a solution. It shows that this person acted out of fear. Fear of being emotionally vulnerable.

When someone ghosts you, here’s what they’re too embarrassed to say…

“I am incapable of a relationship beyond a grade school level. I cannot maturely and clearly communicate. I am scared sh*tless of being seen for who I really am. I avoid confrontation, feeling uncomfortable in any way, and experiencing a response from you that pins me for who I am. My avoidance has neutered me of the ability to be courageous and honest. I protect/defend my state of denial and avoidance as much as I do my fragile ego. These are all more important to me than how my behavior makes you feel. I am an emotional pants sh*tter who would rather make you think that there’s something wrong with you than know the truth: that I am an emotionally un-potty trained adult.” – Natasha Adamo

Make a No Contact Commitment

If you’re truly committed to learning how to get over someone who ghosted you, then cutting off all contact with them is the best way to move on for good.

This means no texting, no calls, no excuses about why you “need” to talk to them, (you don’t) and no “casually showing up” at places you know they might be.

Get Support When You Need It

Learning how to get over someone you love, whether you were ghosted or if it was a standard breakup, definitely takes a serious emotional toll on you.

Expect to feel rejected. How could you not? Try to remember, the rejection is not about you. This person is rejecting everything that comes with being in a mature relationship. They did not stay long enough to know the real you. You cannot reject the true being of someone if you take no time to invest in them. It is the idea of a relationship that they can walk away or run away from in most cases.

My experience is that they are rejecting a part of themselves. The emotional part. The part built to feel true emotion. You were a mirror and triggered this part. And since they are incapable of following through, they have to do what is easiest and most convenient for them: disappear.

Need more help with how to get over someone who ghosted you?

Honor your feelings. It is very uncomfortable to feel the pain that cuts with an emotional knife. The discomfort is a part of the damage the ghost does. Most importantly, do not dismiss that this is a blessing in disguise. It would have been worse to be with a person who handles their life decisions via avoidance. Think for a moment… how could this person even begin to handle the honor and responsibility of loving you and being loved by you? How can they be trusted with anyone’s heart? You know the answer. They can’t. This is of no value to you. You cannot build a home with no financial resources and one cannot build an emotional relationship when they have nothing to invest with.

As Natasha says, stay on your white horse. Preserve your self-respect. Do not lower your standards. Maintain no contact . As tempting as it may be, stay off social media. Don’t search this person out. They sent a clear message that they do not want to be found. Do not text, or reach out to mutual friends to plead your case.

If the ghost is that close to these people, they already knew this situation would occur. They probably have witnessed it before. You do not need to interrogate them, seek their approval, or seek validation.

Be the class act that you are. In my experience, the more time that passes the more the door that this person slammed in your face, stays closed. They do try to reappear. Some people have no shame. They have no problem disappearing for a year and emailing you on your birthday as if nothing happened (yes, this happened to me). This is not flattering. They are taking your temperature and looking to feed their ego. Don’t bite. They will then go back to the shadows. It is as if they needed oxygen so they came to you for it. The cost of your dignity and self-respect isn’t worth it.

Natasha has created this amazing place for us to come together and heal through connecting with each other. We do not have to struggle here and there are no ghosts. Thankfully.

The process of learning how to get over someone who ghosted you is just that – a process.

Thank you, Natasha, for this opportunity to be a part of what you do for people every day. I am so blessed to have met you. Be well all.

Written by: Natasha Adamo Team Member, Linda.

If you’re looking for further and more specific help; if you’re tired of waiting to be chosen and ready to choose yourself, personalized coaching with Natasha Adamo is the answer. Book your one-on-one session today .

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Author of Win Your Breakup, Natasha Adamo

About Natasha Adamo

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how to get over being ghosted by a guy

5 Surefire Ways To Feel Better After Being Ghosted

One of my girlfriends once contacted every guy who ever ghosted her or didn't ask her out again after a first date. She just had to know why all these guys "rejected" her.

This seems rough, though, as you're basing your self-worth off the attention — or inattention — of complete strangers. There are no winners there. In this case, it's not the heart that's looking for approval from others; it's the ego.

If you're going to date, not everyone is going to like you, and you're not going to like everyone. Sometimes, people you've gone on a few dates with are just going to disappear. It's the nature of dating.

Not everyone is going to be your boyfriend, and the fact that they aren't your boyfriend is part of the reason they're not formally breaking up with you. There's no reason to — you're essentially strangers.

Bummer? I don't think so. It's a good lesson in not taking things personally.

And that's why ghosting isn't a huge deal .  If someone doesn't want to see or talk to you again, then you shouldn't want to see or talk to them, either. It's most likely not about you. Instead, it's usually a chemistry thing, and it's time to move on to the next person who you'll have a better connection with.

But if you're still feeling bummed that you were ghosted by someone who probably didn't deserve you anyway, here are some ways to get over it quickly.

1. Don't Take It Personally

Remember — I've kind of drilled this in already — but ghosting is not about you.  It's only rejection if you think that you're entitled to a relationship with everyone and that you're owed an explanation for everyone's behavior.

We don't own anyone. If someone wants to leave your life, let them — whether they provide a reason or not. Most likely, if someone is ghosting you, you didn't know them all that well anyway.

2. Dive Into Your Own Hobbies

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Don't let your world revolve around romance. If your happiness is dictated by outside sources, like a guy liking you, then your joy will never be consistent or stable. People come and go, but you're stuck with yourself forever.

Plus, if you're putting all your eggs in someone else's basket, you probably haven't devoted much time to yourself in a while. Do you know what you like, or are you just concerned with other people liking you?

If you're still hung up on that guy who ghosted you, direct that attention back into yourself. Have a "me" day. Find out what you like about yourself, and cultivate that instead of someone else's attention.

3. Make A Spotify Playlist

Then, invite all of your girlfriends over for a ghosting dance party. Dress up as a ghost. Make a love song playlist. It might even be good to add "Monster Mash" to the mix to make it extra spoooooky.

There's no better way to get over a guy than to spend a little quality time with your girlfriends. Who needs a guy when you've got your best friends, too much wine, and the new Lorde album to dance wildly around your living room to?

A girl's-night-in dance party will make you forget about that bad boy and help to remind you that your BFFs are the ones who actually make you happy. So why not spend some time with them and dance off your heartbreak to some great playlists?

4. Question Why You're Bothered By It

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Ask yourself why you're pining after people who clearly aren't interested in talking to you? What a waste of time!

If a guy wants to talk to you, he will talk to you. He knows where you are and how to find you. So if he likes you, he will make plans with you, and he will also want to be with you.

Don't listen to what your friends say. There are no justifications and no excuses. He isn't scared or intimidated, or this or that.

If a guy isn't contacting you, then that means he isn't looking for a relationship with you, and you should just move on. Don't try to force something that isn't meant to be.

And if you're taking it as a blow to your pride or ego, it's time to ask yourself why you do that. Do you base your self-worth on what kind of person you are, or instead, do you prioritize what you look like, how popular you are, and how many dudes like you?

If it's the latter, then you're never going to be fully satisfied with anything in life.

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Download a dating app and start talking to other people. Realize there are more fish in the sea — or rather, "more menz on the internetz."

You've likely felt this way before, and you'll probably feel this way again. But everything will be OK. In fact, everything will be more than OK — it'll be so great!

So get talking to other guys, because they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

If you've been ghosted, don't let it (or them) haunt you. Just use these tips to get over it, and keep moving on.

Life's too short to spend wondering why that guy you went on two dates with never hit you up again.

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

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Kelly stafford doubles down on booing feud with new video: ‘didn’t know if i should post this’.

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Kelly Stafford posted a video on Instagram on Thursday night showing her and her daughters being booed as they walked onto the Ford Field sideline last Sunday.

Stafford, the wife of Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford, called out the fans who booed her children before Detroit’s 24-23 win in the wild-card round earlier in the week.

She indicated in her Instagram Story that some have questioned her “integrity” about the claims, and she used the video to defend herself.

“I didn’t know if I should post this video or not because I truly don’t wanna dwell on what happened. This was our experience on the field,” Stafford said in the video . “I know you are booing me, but my kids don’t know the difference even if I try to explain it to them.

“The whole scenario is hard to accept, but not as hard as the questioning of my integrity, it happened, own it, and let’s move on.”

Kelly Stafford's Instagram post showcasing the boos.

The video shows Stafford walking onto the field with her daughters, seemingly holding hands with at least one, and some fans boo.

Stafford looks toward the crowd and says “thank you” before the video pauses.

Kelly Stafford at Ford Field.

Sunday marked the Stafford family’s first game back in Detroit since the 2021 blockbuster that sent Matthew to the Rams for Lions quarterback Jared Goff, plus picks.

Kelly, in response to a follower who said “f them” toward booing Detroit fans, revealed in her Instagram Story that her children were booed.

“It’s sports. The city wants to win. Everything is fair game … Except the fans who booed my children,” Kelly wrote . “Other than that, l loved the atmosphere and the booing just gave my husband more fire.”

Kelly Stafford walks onto the field before the game with her family.

Later, in her “The Morning After” podcast, Kelly said the booing made her five-year-old daughter Hunter cry. The couple also has three-year-old Tyler and six-year-old twins Sawyer and Chandler.

“My girls and I are not playing the game,” Kelly said . “My girls are not getting booed, I am, and I can handle it, but when I have my girls next to me there is something to be said, like, maybe not.

“Hunter was in tears. I go, ‘Guys they’re not booing you, they’re booing mommy … They want their Lions to win.’

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Kelly Stafford (@kbstafford89)

“Sawyer looked at me and goes, “Well, we’re not playing the sport,” and I said, ‘That is very true Sawyer, but mommy’s been involved with a lot of things here and that’s what they’re booing.”

Thursday’s post seemingly was Kelly’s response to those who questioned the validity of her claims about her daughters being booed.

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Kelly Stafford's Instagram post showcasing the boos.


how to get over being ghosted by a guy

F. Diane Barth L.C.S.W.

6 Ways to Deal With the Pain of Being Ghosted

What can you do when a promising relationship suddenly ends.

Posted May 14, 2017 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

  • Being ghosted results in having a good feeling suddenly and inexplicably disrupted by someone else. The natural reaction to this is shame.
  • To relieve the pain of being ghosted, one must start by acknowledging the pain, even if one doesn't particularly care for the ghoster.
  • Mind-body practices like yoga and mindfulness can reduce some of the physical and emotional strain that comes with being ghosted.


Maya* was frustrated, upset, and confused. She had met a guy and gone out on a few dates and thought the relationship was progressing nicely, but then he disappeared. He stopped calling and texting and was not answering her calls; he also blocked her access to his pages on social media sites. “I wouldn’t do that to someone else,” she said. “What’s his story? Why couldn’t he just call and say it isn’t working out?”

Roberta* was worried. Her “sort-of” boyfriend of two months had suddenly stopped returning her calls, texts, and Facebook messages. Was he okay? Had something happened to him? Was he mad at her? Had she done something to upset him? She racked her brain to figure out what had gone wrong, but couldn’t come up with a single explanation.

Han* knew he had been ghosted. But he really liked the woman who had stopped answering his calls and texts and blocked him from her social media. He thought they were really well-matched. Wasn’t there a way he could convince her to give him another chance?

Has this happened to you? Someone you like suddenly seems to stop liking you, and you can’t figure out why. The experience of having someone remove themselves from your life, ending all contact or communication with you without any explanation, is called ghosting . It can happen days, weeks, and even months into a relationship and is so common that in one study half of the men and women questioned said that they had either ghosted or been ghosted. Interestingly, given the popular belief that guys do most of the disappearing, in this study more of the women admitted that they were perpetrators of the behavior.

So what should you do if someone you like — friend, date, potential romantic partner — pulls a disappearing act? Should you reach out and push them to explain, or simply accept the rejection and move on? Should you examine your own behavior, to try to understand what you might have done to create the problem? Do you need to figure out what’s wrong with the person who “ghosted” you?

The first step in deciding how to handle it involves understanding why the loss of a brief connection with another person can take up so much space in your psyche.

Although you may have felt intensely connected to the person who has disappeared, in many instances, it isn’t the loss of the relationship or even of the person that you are upset about. It’s the sudden interruption of your good feelings, the destruction of your hopes and dreams , and a deflated positive feeling about yourself. You thought it was going well. You were fantasizing about a possible future with this person. You thought he or she really liked you. And suddenly the rug was pulled out from under your feet. The relationship ended with a thud, your daydreams were cruelly cut off, and you were left with ... what?

The immediate reaction to having a good feeling suddenly and inexplicably disrupted by someone else is to feel shame. Add to that natural reaction the feeling of embarrassment at having thought someone was as interested in you as you were in them — or even of just being dumped by someone without warning — and you have one of the reasons that your brain keeps working overtime on this relationship that turns out not to be a relationship.

When we feel shame, we have trouble letting go. We want to undo the situation so that we can go back to feeling good.

Shame is one of the reasons we look for ways to criticize the person who has ghosted us. Viewing them as rude, unkind, immature, or untruthful can relieve your worry that there was something more in the relationship — maybe something that wasn’t really there. Telling yourself that the person was a jerk can help you break the connection and repair your self-esteem . So can deciding that they are afraid of commitment — you didn't misread the signs — and that the relationship was moving forward, but they just weren’t able to handle it.

No matter how you explain it to yourself, though, your psyche is trying to undo the sense of disruption of the good feelings. Shame is a reaction to having a circuit in your emotional system broken, and your next task is to repair the circuit so that you can move on with your life.

Some research has shown that emotional pain and physical pain share a number of neural pathways. Italian neuroscientists Giovanni Novembre, Marco Zanon, and Giorgia Silani have confirmed previous findings that the pain of social rejection and physical pain can activate the same regions of the brain. (For more, see Christopher Bergland’s post as well as Kirsten Weir’s post on the American Psychological Association’s website.)

What to do if you are ghosted

The truth is that you are probably doing some of the work that you need to do already. But here are some specific activities that can help.

1. Acknowledge that it hurts. You might not even care for the ghoster, but you had hope that the relationship might evolve, or you were just having fun, or you feel misled or exposed, either by how you behaved with the person or what you said to your friends afterward. In any of these situations, the rupture of the potential and of your own good feelings may hurt more than the loss of the actual person. That’s okay. It still hurts.

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

2. Offer yourself some understanding and sympathy. You are feeling a normal, healthy human emotion . That’s good. It means you’re engaged in the world, in relationships, and in your life.

3. Talk about it. Research has shown that putting our thoughts and feelings into words to another person can change our brain patterns, getting us out of difficult ruts and helping us to process painful experiences. As I explain here , this is one of the reasons talk therapy works, but it’s also why talking to friends and family can help us get through difficult times.

4. Take care of your mind and your body. Numerous researchers have shown that doing the basic work of eating well, getting enough sleep, and getting some exercise is important to managing psychic pain. Mind-body practices, like yoga, mindfulness , and meditation , can lower the body’s production of stress hormones , reduce physical and emotional strain, and even alter some of the neural pathways that cause emotional pain. You can read some interesting discussions of the ways that mindfulness affects our emotions and our bodies by clicking here .

5. Even if it isn't something you would do, it can help to make some room for the possibility that the person who ghosted you thought that he or she was doing the right thing. It may have been cowardly, but I have been told by some people who have ghosted someone else that they believed it was the easiest way to let the other person down. "It's better than some lame excuse that just makes the other person feel bad anyway," said one woman. "The message gets across."

6. Let it go. Whatever happened, you will feel better when you move on. Of course, you can’t do it until you’re ready, and give yourself permission to take care of yourself and move at your own pace, not anyone else’s. But as the old saying goes, the best thing to do when a horse has thrown you is to get back in the saddle as quickly as possible. It’s normal to be worried about being thrown again, but when you’re happily dating someone else, the ghoster will be nothing more than a ghost in your distant memory .

* Names and identifying info changed to protect privacy.

Copyright @fdbarth 2017

Empathy for social exclusion involves the sensory-discriminative component of pain: a within-subject fMRI study Giovanni Novembre, Marco Zanon, and Giorgia Silani; Scuola Internazionale Superiore di Studi Avanzati, Neuroscience Sector, Trieste, Italy SCAN (2015) 10,153-64

Kross, E., Berman, M.G., Mischel, W., Smith, E.E., Wager, T.D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 108(15), 6270–5.

F. Diane Barth L.C.S.W.

F. Diane Barth, L.C.S.W. , is a psychotherapist, teacher, and author in private practice in New York City.

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30 years after Northridge, how ready are we for the next big quake?

Bicyclists make their way past the collapsed Kaiser Permanente outpatient center in Northridge in 1994.

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Good morning. It’s Wednesday, Jan. 17 . Here’s what you need to know to start your day.

  • Immigration debate deeply divides California Democrats
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One of my core early memories happened 30 years ago today. I was 5 years old, sleeping peacefully in the bottom bunk of my bed, when I was jolted awake by violent shaking.

As I sat there terrified and confused, my parents burst into my bedroom, each holding one of my toddler siblings, with similar looks of fear and confusion on their faces. We all hunkered in the bed until the shaking stopped. It felt like minutes, but the 1994 Northridge earthquake lasted about 20 seconds. We and our home in Ventura County were fine — nothing more than a few broken picture frames.

But a county over in the San Fernando Valley, that 20-or-so-second, 6.7 magnitude quake killed 60 people and injured thousands more. It crumpled freeways and destroyed or damaged an estimated 80,000 homes, stores and other structures. Trains derailed. Gas and water lines ruptured. Power transformers blew. Hundreds of fires broke out across the region. The powerful temblor cost an estimated $20 billion in damage and an additional $40 billion in economic losses, according to the California Department of Conservation .

The earthquake toppled many residents’ senses of security and control. It also changed how we build things, exposing the risks of brittle concrete structures and soft-story apartment buildings, many of which collapsed. Thirty years later, retrofitting work continues in L.A. and other SoCal cities.

But some cities “have ignored the seismic threat,” Times reporter Rong-Gong Lin II previously noted . “And that has created an uneven landscape that in the coming years will leave some cities significantly better prepared to withstand a big quake than others.”

The Northridge quake also spurred a scientific drive to better monitor and identify earthquakes — and alert affected communities before they start to feel the shaking, providing potentially lifesaving warnings.

Still, as my colleagues Karen Garcia and Jon Healey wrote this week , California’s early warning system is lacking compared with what’s in place in other countries:

“Japan’s warnings sound from cellphones, televisions and radios. Mexico’s sirens blare moments after a large temblor is detected, aiming to give residents time to seek safety before the shaking reaches them. In California, by contrast, the system relies on people signing up for alerts — and having a device on hand that can receive them.”

As scientists and officials make progress on these efforts, the big question remains: Will we have made enough progress by the time the next big earthquake hits?

Maybe today’s newsletter stirs your own memories of living through the Northridge earthquake, or maybe you weren’t living in SoCal — or living at all — when it struck. Either way, there are things we can all do to be a little more prepared. Here are a few questions to consider:

  • Do you have earthquake kits and go-bags?
  • Do you have a stash of canned food and bottled water?
  • Do you have extra food and supplies for pets?
  • Do you know your neighbors ?
  • Have you signed up for early warning alerts ?
  • Do you live or work in a building that’s at higher risk during a quake ?
  • Does your home need any retrofitting ?

The Times has a handy guide (and a newsletter) on all things earthquake preparedness . Now’s as good a time as any to explore it and know how to prepare for the next big one. Because it’s not a matter of if, but a matter of when.

Today’s top stories

Migrants line up for food provided by volunteers at a makeshift camp near the border wall in Jacumba, Calif.

  • Poll: Immigration debate deeply divides California Democrats .
  • A fiery lawyer’s long-shot bid to put Donald Trump in the hot seat goes cold.
  • Why old-fashioned TV is still the winning ticket for political ads .
  • The plan for a utopian Bay Area city was shrouded in secrecy. Now its wealthy backers want it on the ballot .

Courts and crime

  • Who struck two brothers in a crosswalk? A murder trial begins for an L.A. socialit e .
  • The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors has approved a $1.75-million settlement with a Pico Rivera woman who accused sheriff’s deputies of performing two illegal cavity searches while looking for drugs.
  • A lawsuit says sexual harassment by an emergency services official impeded wildfire recovery.

More big stories

  • Would you take cash to leave a rent-controlled apartment ? Data show it happens often in L.A.
  • A small plane that crashed off Half Moon Bay carried 4 people. One body has been recovered , officials say.
  • More rain is expected for Southern California this week. How much could we get ?
  • SFO’s international terminal to be renamed after the late Sen. Dianne Feinstein .

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Commentary and opinions

  • Jonah Goldberg: Biden is late but right to strike against Yemen’s Houthis .
  • Editorial: Nanoplastics are dangerous — and they are in your “pure” bottled water.
  • Opinion: I believe in tenants’ rights. But L.A. is pushing out small landlords like me .
  • Column: How will the Latino vote go in 2024?
  • Lorraine Ali: Millions of Angelenos haven’t lived through a big quake. I have, and this is what it’s like .
  • Bill Shaikin: The Dodgers and everyone else: A not-so-Golden State for MLB .
  • Opinion: Thirty years after the Northridge earthquake , I still think about a hero I met that day.

Today’s great reads

Traffic streams along Market Street in downtown San Francisco near the Ferry Building and Embarcadero.

All is lost in San Francisco? City loyalists take issue with naysayers. Data may back them up . Bucking the “doom loop” narrative, many tech entrepreneurs say San Francisco is still the “it city” for innovation and opportunity — especially with the rise of AI.

Other great reads

  • The Coachella lineup is here, and the main acts — Lana Del Rey, Tyler, the Creator and Doja Cat, plus No Doubt — comprise the most L.A.-centric in festival history.
  • Why Gael García Bernal is encouraging Mexican Americans in the film industry to behave badly .
  • How Asian is your Costco? Help us find SoCal’s most “Asian Costco” for Lunar New Year.
  • People don’t know how to behave in the office anymore, bosses say. The solution? Charm school .

How can we make this newsletter more useful? Send comments to [email protected] .

For your downtime

Photos of getty gardens, observatory, statue, gondolier, and Swingers Coffee Shop

  • 🥾 15 Angeleno-approved alternatives to L.A.’s usual tourist spots .
  • 🏄🏽 5 epic outdoor adventures that will make you feel powerful in 2024.
  • 💆🏽 10 under-the-radar spas to rejuvenate in hot water in and around L.A.
  • 🧂 Get your pantry ready for the new year by updating herbs, spices and condiments.
  • 📕 How journalist Michele Norris exposed our ‘Hidden Conversations’ about race in her new book.
  • 🧑‍🍳 Here’s a recipe for braised minced pork belly .
  • ✏️ Get our free daily crossword puzzle, sudoku, word search and arcade games .

And finally ... a great photo

Show us your favorite place in California! Send us photos you have taken of spots in California that are special — natural or human-made — and tell us why they’re important to you.

Issa Rae arrives at the 75th Primetime Emmy Awards at the Peacock Theater in Los Angeles

Today’s great photo is from Times photographer Myung J. Chun at the 75th Primetime Emmy Awards. Here’s more of the best fashion from the Emmys red carpet.

Have a great day, from the Essential California team

Ryan Fonseca, reporter Elvia Limón, multiplatform editor Kevinisha Walker, multiplatform editor Laura Blasey, assistant editor

Check our top stories , topics and the latest articles on latimes.com .

how to get over being ghosted by a guy

Ryan Fonseca writes the Los Angeles Times’ Essential California newsletter. A lifelong SoCal native, he has worked in a diverse mix of newsrooms across L.A. County, including radio, documentary, print and television outlets. Most recently, he was an associate editor for LAist.com and KPCC-FM (89.3) public radio, covering transportation and mobility. He returns to The Times after previously working as an assistant web editor for Times Community News, where he helped manage the websites and social media presence of the Burbank Leader, Glendale News-Press and La Cañada Valley Sun. Fonseca studied journalism at Cal State Northridge, where he now teaches the next generation of journalists to develop their voice and digital skills.

More From the Los Angeles Times

FILE — In this Sept. 12, 2019 file photo, California state Senate President Pro Tem Toni Atkins of San Diego, speaks on the floor of the Senate in Sacramento, Calif. Atkins introduced a bill, Thursday, March 3, 3022, that would let nurse practitioners, who have the required training, to perform first trimester abortions without the supervision by a doctor. (AP Photo/Rich Pedroncelli, File)

Senate leader Toni Atkins joins 2026 race for California governor

A structure is engulfed in flames as a wildfire called the Highland Fire burns in Aguanga, Calif., Monday, Oct. 30, 2023. A wildfire fueled by gusty Santa Ana winds ripped through rural land southeast of Los Angeles on Monday, forcing thousands of people from their homes, fire authorities said. (AP Photo/Ethan Swope)

World & Nation

Recovering from natural disasters is slow and bureaucratic. New FEMA rules aim to cut the red tape

Los Angeles, CA - January 03: A man rides his bike along Manchester Ave. amid rain as a double rainbow forms and a winter storm moves into Southern California in Los Angeles Wednesday, Jan. 3, 2024. (Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)

Rain rolling into Southern California this weekend

Los Angeles, CA - May 17: Signage and people along Bruin Walk East, near Bruin Plaza, on the UCLA Campus in Los Angeles, CA, Wednesday, May 17, 2023. (Jay L. Clendenin / Los Angeles Times)

UC enrolls record number of California undergrads in fall 2023, cuts out-of-state students

Jan. 19, 2024

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2024 tax filing season set for January 29; IRS continues to make improvements to help taxpayers

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IR-2024-04, Jan. 8, 2024

WASHINGTON — The Internal Revenue Service today announced Monday, Jan. 29, 2024, as the official start date of the nation's 2024 tax season when the agency will begin accepting and processing 2023 tax returns.

The IRS expects more than 128.7 million individual tax returns to be filed by the April 15, 2024, tax deadline.

Although the IRS will not officially begin accepting and processing tax returns until Jan. 29, people do not need to wait until then to work on their taxes if they're using software companies or tax professionals. For example, most software companies accept electronic submissions and then hold them until the IRS is ready to begin processing later this month. IRS Free File will also be available on IRS.gov starting Jan. 12 in advance of the filing season opening. The IRS Direct File pilot will be rolled out in phases as final testing is completed and is expected to be widely available in mid-March to eligible taxpayers in the participating states.

Taxpayers will continue to see helpful changes at the IRS following ongoing transformation work. Building off the success of the 2023 tax season that saw significant improvements following passage of the Inflation Reduction Act, the 2024 filing season will continue reflecting the focus on improving services to taxpayers.

"As our transformation efforts take hold, taxpayers will continue to see marked improvement in IRS operations in the upcoming filing season," said IRS Commissioner Danny Werfel. "IRS employees are working hard to make sure that new funding is used to help taxpayers by making the process of preparing and filing taxes easier."

Some of the new and expanded tools and resources include:

  • Expanded in-person service that meets taxpayers where they are by opening or reopening Taxpayer Assistance Centers (TACs) . The IRS will also offer extended hours at many TACs nationwide.
  • Increased help available on the toll-free line and an expanded customer call back feature designed to significantly reduce wait times.
  • Improvements to the Where's My Refund? tool, which is the IRS' most widely used taxpayer service tool. However, the tool provides limited information, often leading taxpayers to call the IRS to inquire about their refund status. Updates to Where's My Refund? will allow taxpayers to see more detailed refund status messages in plain language. These updates will also ensure Where's My Refund works seamlessly on mobile devices. Taxpayers often see a generic message stating that their returns are still being processed and to check back later. With the improvements, taxpayers will see clearer and more detailed updates, including whether the IRS needs them to respond to a letter requesting additional information. The new updates will reduce the need for taxpayers to call the IRS for answers to basic questions. 
  • Enhanced paperless processing that will enable taxpayers to submit all correspondence, non-tax forms, and responses to notices digitally and will be able to e-File 20 additional tax forms. Achieving this milestone will enable up to 125 million paper documents to be submitted digitally per year.
  • An enhanced IRS Individual Online Account that includes chat, the option to schedule and cancel future payments, revise payment plans and validate and save bank accounts.
  • A new, pilot tax filing service called Direct File that gives eligible taxpayers a new choice to file their 2023 federal tax returns online, for free, directly with the IRS. It will be rolled out in phases and is expected to be widely available in mid-March. Find more about Direct File pilot eligibility, scope and the participating states on Direct File .

April 15 tax filing deadline for most taxpayers

For most taxpayers, the deadline to file their personal federal tax return, pay any tax owed or request an extension to file is Monday, April 15, 2024.

Taxpayers living in Maine or Massachusetts have until April 17, 2024, due to the Patriot's Day and Emancipation Day holidays. If a taxpayer resides in a federally declared disaster area , they also may have additional time to file.

Tips to help people file in 2024

The IRS encourages taxpayers to take steps now to Get Ready  to file their 2023 individual federal tax return. It's important for filers to gather all the correct information they need before filing their return. Organize and gather tax records including Social Security numbers, Individual Taxpayer Identification Numbers, Adoption Identification Numbers and this year's Identity Protection Personal Identification Numbers (IP PIN) . Filing an accurate return can help taxpayers avoid refund delays or later IRS mailings about a problem.

People should report all their taxable income and wait to file until they receive all income related documents. This is especially important for people who may receive various Forms 1099 from banks or other payers reporting unemployment compensation , dividends , pensions, annuities or retirement plan distributions. If a taxpayer receives Forms 1099-K , they should visit What to do with Form 1099-K to help them determine if that money should be reported as income on their federal tax return.

People should plan to file electronically  with  direct deposit . This is still the fastest and easiest way to file and receive a refund. To avoid delays in processing, people should avoid filing paper returns whenever possible.

IRS Free File; opens January 12; free service on IRS.gov has helped millions

IRS Free File will open Jan. 12, 2024, when participating software companies will accept completed tax returns and hold them until they can be filed electronically with the IRS. IRS Free File Guided Tax Software, available only at IRS.gov, is available to any taxpayer or family with Adjusted Gross Income of $79,000 or less in 2023.

Beginning Jan. 29, 2024, Free File Fillable forms, a part of this effort, is available at no cost to any income level and provides electronic forms that people can fill out and e-file themselves also at no cost.

Most refunds issued in less than 21 days; EITC refunds for many available starting February 27

Many different factors can affect the timing of a refund after the IRS receives a return. Although the IRS issues most refunds in less than 21 days, the IRS cautions taxpayers not to rely on receiving a refund by a certain date, especially when making major purchases or paying bills. Some returns may require additional review and may take longer. The easiest way to check a refund's status is by using Where's My Refund? on IRS.gov or the IRS2Go app.

Under the federal Protecting Americans from Tax Hikes (PATH) Act, the IRS cannot issue Earned Income Tax Credit (EITC) and Additional Child Tax Credit (ACTC) refunds before mid-February. Where's My Refund? should show an updated status by February 17   for most early EITC/ACTC filers. The IRS expects most EITC/ACTC related refunds to be available in taxpayer bank accounts or on debit cards by February 27 if they chose direct deposit and there are no other issues with their tax return.

IRS.gov, IRS Online Account provide free help

Visit IRS.gov to find online tools to help get information needed to file a complete and accurate return. The tools are easy-to-use and available anytime. Check out a few resources below:

  • IRS Individual Online Account : Individuals with a Social Security number or an Individual Taxpayer Identification number can log-in or sign-up for an IRS Individual Online Account to securely access information about their federal tax account, view balance and payment options, view and approve authorizations from their tax professional, view digital copies of select IRS notices and get information on their most recently filed return that includes their Adjusted Gross Income.
  • Interactive Tax Assistant: The Interactive Tax Assistant (ITA) is a tool that provides answers to several tax law questions specific to individual circumstances. Based on input, it can determine if a person should file a tax return, their filing status, if someone can be claimed as a dependent, if a type of income is taxable, if a filer is eligible to claim a credit or if an expense can be deducted.
  • Choosing a tax pro: People can use the  IRS Directory of Federal Tax Return Preparers with Credentials and Select Qualifications to find a preparer who is skilled in tax preparation and accurately files income tax returns. Most tax return preparers provide outstanding and professional tax service. However, choosing the wrong tax return preparer hurts taxpayers financially every year. Be sure to check  tips for choosing a tax preparer  and how to  avoid unethical "ghost" return preparers .
  • Free tax help by IRS certified volunteers: Through the Volunteer Income Tax Assistance (VITA) and Tax Counseling for the Elderly (TCE) programs, volunteers are available in communities nationwide to provide free tax assistance to low-to-moderate income (generally under $64,000 in adjusted gross income) and elderly taxpayers (age 60 and older). At selected sites, taxpayers can input and electronically fi­le their own tax return with the assistance of an IRS certified volunteer. For additional information, visit Free Tax Return Preparation for Qualifying Taxpayers .
  • Help for the military: A Department of Defense program, MilTax  generally offers free return preparation and electronic filing software for federal income tax returns and up to three state income tax returns for all military members, and some veterans, with no income limit.

Key 2024 filing season dates

  • January 12: IRS Free File opens.
  • January 16: Due date for 2023 fourth quarter estimated tax payments.
  • January 26: Earned Income Tax Credit Awareness Day.
  • January 29: Filing season start date for individual tax returns.
  • April 15: Due date of filing a tax return or to request an extension for most of the nation.
  • April 17: Due date for Maine and Massachusetts.
  • October 15: Due date for extension filers.
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Aston murder arrest over fatal stabbing

  • Published 2 days ago
  • Birmingham knife crime

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A man has been arrested on suspicion of murder after a man was stabbed to death in Birmingham.

Police said a 44-year-old was discovered at property on Arden Road, Aston, just before 01:00 GMT on Tuesday and was confirmed dead at the scene.

The man, 43, was arrested on New Street on the same day and remains in custody, West Midlands Police said.

Officers are appealing for witnesses who were in the Arden Road area at about 23:30 GMT on Monday.

Det Ch Insp Dave Sanders, from the homicide unit, said: "We are in the early stages of our investigation, but we have a suspect in custody.

"The family of the victim has been fully updated and we will be supporting them as our inquiries continue."

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